Aliping sagigilid venting out

Lately, the workplace is so stressful. Tension is brewing.

Although we (staff) are not the ones causing all of these nonsense but we’re unfortunately caught in the middle of the silent war between our bosses.

It’s frustrating when I am just doing my job like I always do and my work gets unusually questioned like WHAAAT? Mind you, I don’t usually react when my work gets questioned because I am usually the ah-OK-will-do-that kinda type but questioning due to a hidden personal grudge to a certain someone, that’s something else. Just because she thinks I am siding the boss she’s currently not on good terms with that she gets the right to “prosecute” me as an employee. Even when she saw us (the other boss) talking after working hours like normal stuff, she took it personally. Am I not even allowed to talk to a boss?? Duh.

I hate the fact that there’s a lot of spying and “observing” going on because of their fight. Like really, the reason is so..I don’t know..immature? Come on, even the staff just wants them to reconcile the soonest possible because the workplace is eerily toxic. Personally, it’s difficult to work in that kind of office mood.

If only people just think that it’s just work and not take everything on a personal level, I think the workplace would be just F-I-N-E.

Low key

Got engaged – Feb 2021
Virtual pamalaye – July 2021

Low key posting these here instead on my social media accounts. My fiance and I did not want some attention and also to keep it hush-hush as much as possible because we won’t be inviting a lot of people due to this COVID19 pandemic. I can also relate to quarantine bride-to-bes having extra stressors with the wedding planning during these times. I even know someone whose wedding postponed THRICE already because of the ever-changing quarantine community status. Anyway, I hope ours get pushed through, whether an intimate one or if not intimate, with the allowed number/capacity in a wedding. I hope there is no change on the original wedding date.

Heartbroken

I might as well share it here.

I am feeling loads of crap lately because there’s one goal I cannot achieve due to my illness. You see, I was planning (for a long time) to apply as an uniformed personnel. Maybe because fate is playing on me since I just kept on setting this goal aside because I used to think that I was young, I needed more work experience and I was not yet ready yet physically and mentally BEFORE. Maybe because I was confident that most of my cards are within my reach. You bet I was wrong. It was last year I decided that I will apply in 2020’s quota. I even prepared some of the requirements in advance because there’s a lot. Lo and behold, January 2020 came. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. If 2020 isn’t the best year to most of you, it sure wasn’t for me either. No matter how much I prepared I was into this goal, there’s this fucking illness that will consider me disqualified if I pursue applying. I cannot stop thinking that my disease kept on slapping me just to engrave in my face that I won’t be able to apply on this occupation for this lifetime. I hate it when I put on a lot of effort on something that was put into a waste. I even considered burning my requirements which is stupid (I know) but my feelings about this is in highs and lows and burning the files seems like a good idea. People kept telling me maybe God has another plan for me but it is still difficult to move on this. Some people I shared with my feelings were not really understanding about it so I am giving them silent treatments as of the moment. This may be a small thing for them but they have no right to judge since this is something I worked on heartily. Hence, I consider this BIG. I should have applied before when I first invited to this. I regretted it a lot. Sigh. I may be calm when you see me personally but really, I am hurt on this. I wanna angry cry but my tears just won’t cooperate.

Day 17: Things that make me scared|| 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Just a random unrelated photo. Because of COVID19, some of us are assigned to committees under the Operations of Incident Command System. I was assigned under Food Donations Committee. Again, due to COVID19, we have to clean/disinfect everything (the room, surfaces etc.) before we time out and go home. So we had this running joke “kinsa ang Princess Sarah karun? (who’s gonna be Princess Sarah today)?” and the Princess Sarahs of the day sometimes impersonate her while cleaning (aping-api/bullied). Of course, the Ms. Minchin is the head of committee and she’s cool with it. Sabay ra.

So I am going to talk about things that I am scared of. One thing is that I am scared of snakes. This reptile is not my cup-of-tea at all. If other people are scared of geckos or spiders, mine are snakes. Although they are also real-life “snakes” (hahaha), the animal snakes are what I am afraid of.

I am also afraid that I would forget something that I am currently working on/doing that may cause harm to others. Of course, sometimes I can be an overthinker but I have a reason because of my disease. One of the symptoms of my disease is mind fogs/forgetting things and it really is a hassle sometimes. Sometimes I forget where I put my cellphone, what I am gonna do next, what to say next in a middle of a conversation etc. Even certain memories of my past or simple words (recently, the word Zonrox), I cannot remember unless I search for it. So I am afraid like certain thoughts of “what if I forget turning off the stove and may cause house fire? what if I forget taking care of my baby niece in the middle of a babysitting” I shared these thoughts to my boyfriend and he said that I should make a to-do-list so that I would be constantly reminded—in which I will be doing na but how I about words and memories that I have difficulty remembering? Things like that make me anxious and shake with fear.

Another thing that I am afraid of is when people that you are comfortable with especially when they know your imperfections all too well (not necessary my boyfriend but true friends and some family too) will (God forbid) suddenly leave you for good. I understand that some people leave in a certain period of their lives to experience more and I have no qualms on that. We all have people in our lives that we outgrow and that’s a fact. I respect the silent departures in my life (adulting, maybe?). BUT there are some specific people (the few chosen ones that have huge impacts on me) that are a NO-NO if they suddenly leave without saying a damn word. I can foresee the heartbreaks.

Day 15: A Place I Would Love To Go|| 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Blur photo a few years back (First time abroad + a cruise ship trip!)

In this time of a pandemic, I would love to go on vacation ANYWHERE outside our city. Just simply anywhere. But if there was no pandemic, normally I would love to visit Palawan or Siquijor (if within Philippines). I am not a good swimmer but as long as there’s a life vest and a beautiful nature-y view, why not? If abroad, I would love to visit and explore some more of Japan. As an otaku and Japan culture fan (SINCE BIRTH!), I would love to immerse again with their environment. (patriotic, polite and very punctual!!!) I got to visit one of its prefectures (Okinawa) because of a cruise ship trip. The place is actually considered a “province” but it is somehow different with our own country’s definition or perception of a “province”. Even our very short visit in the Okinawan islands made me thought (back then lang ha) I want to live peacefully there. Hahaha! Any introvert would love the place. I would love to return to Japan and explore other prefectures. Another place I am curious is Prague. Actually, it’s because I somehow dreamt of this place even though I didn’t know back then that this city actually exist. So yeah, I was curious of this place and it made me wanted to go there. 🙂

This video gives no justice. To actually visit is to believe! But anyway, enjoy!

Healing

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Credits: https://www.behance.net/rishangela

To lighten a bit of the mood in the hospital, one of our physicians shared that, “At least, we get to experience a pandemic as historical as this one. If we get to survive through this, it’s something we can share to our grandchildren!”

When this virus first came in our country, I was apathetic to it. I didn’t think it would get serious. Then it came to Mindanao and everything changed. It got fast-paced, messy and abnormal: functions were displaced, discrimination was rampant, peoples’ “true colors” were shown in this time of survival. On the other hand, it also brought the “bayanihan” spirit among some Filipinos: help was sent through various forms of donations, prayers and well-wishers of this fight against the virus were well-received and appreciated, and some other generous and kind acts were done in these darkest times.

The first few days and weeks were strangely difficult because of these social media “rambolans” and healthcare worker discrimination. There were moments at work I suddenly go teary-eyed or scared because of the negativity and fear. As for these online keyboard warrior fights, I almost participated in one and almost unfriended/block certain friends but I controlled myself even though it’s hard!!! Hahaha. It got toxic and I decided it’s not good anymore for my mental health reading and seeing posts about this stuff everyday. Hahaha! We’re already exhausted at work because of temporary functions and we have to shy away outside the hospital because of discrimination and here goes the internet acting like live cockfights. What I did? I deactivated both my facebook and twitter accounts. Truly, it made my life peaceful and I got to focus on what’s really important in these times and who’s the real enemy. What we need most right now is unity, kindness and prayers: Unity by following protocols as recommended by experts and not just friggin’ google or posted by suspicious “reliable” news and posts or “chismis”. Everything is still interim (guidelines, pathways etc.) but because these what works for now, it must be practiced with prudence; Kindness to our fellow citizens especially the poor, marginalized, exhausted and under served; Finally, prayers to everyone especially to the frontliners and for those who departed fighting to heal/serve (any frontliner not just HCW) or recover (patients) from this virus.

Day 14: My Everyday Motivation|| 30-Day Blogging Challenge

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Take me back to road trips. Sunflowers = hope

My everyday motivation lately is maintaining a good health. It’s for this reason why I am very into workouts, practicing mindfulness in my food intakes and trying hard to counter situations that would contribute to total exhaustion and mind fogs. Early this year, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in which makes life a bit dramatic and challenging. My specialist told me that this disease is a hereditary one and I didn’t really expect that I am the one affected by it as compared to my siblings. You see, I am the slimmer one and healthier one in our brood but I was the one diagnosed by it.  I also have few restrictions like I cannot donate blood freely (I can but I need to balance certain levels), I have to say no to certain foods, I may have difficulties when I get pregnant, I have to counter/avoid stressful situations and some others. Although I plan to remain a “healthy-lifestyle” freak in my whole life, this recent life event made it more like a necessity. I personally think that although it has its own drawbacks, I also took it positively. I am trying to adapt to the changes and accept it fully that I cannot do certain things recklessly. And this, my folks motivated me to be more conscious with my health. I hope you take care of yours, too. 🙂