Sometimes, I feel the urge to cry in the middle of an ordinary day, especially when thoughts of my father’s passing overwhelm me. I still avoid places that remind me of his hospitalization, even if it’s in my workplace. It feels like I’m losing my grip—like I’m going crazy. My enthusiasm for life has faded to the point where I find myself wanting to shut everything out, even considering resigning from my demanding job, just so I can find the space to process and understand my grief.
Sundays are especially hard. When I visit my parents’ house and see his usual spot empty, the silence is unbearable—the whole house feels hollow. I try not to cry, especially in front of my mother and siblings, because I know they’re grieving too, each in their own way.
Even visiting the cemetery is difficult. It’s still hard to accept that my dad is really gone. Sometimes, I want to break down in front of my husband, but I hesitate. I don’t know why—maybe I’m just bottling everything up.
Maybe writing it down here will help. If anything, at least people will get an idea of how I’m mourning my father’s passing. I didn’t want to speak at the memorial because honestly, I’d be too real, and I might end up saying things the older folks wouldn’t appreciate. I feel more at ease sharing on this platform anyway.
The truth is, I wasn’t very close to my dad. He was often assigned to different cities for work while I was growing up, and there’s quite a big age gap between me and my eldest sister. To me, he always came off as strict and very traditional. He wasn’t the warm-and-fuzzy type—more of a strong, imposing presence. I also felt a sense of unfairness growing up, especially when our “black sheep” sister (let’s be honest) seemed to get away with things the rest of us had to fight or beg for. So yeah, I kept my distance from my parents for a long time.
But even though he was intimidating, my dad had the heart of a mentor. He wouldn’t hand things to you on a silver platter, but he’d guide you, give you clues, nudge you in the right direction. As I got older, especially after getting married and living on my own, I began to appreciate the way we were raised. I’m thankful I was taught to be independent and hardworking. I’m actually glad I wasn’t spoiled—I learned how to stand on my own two feet.
As many of you probably guessed, my dad was a workaholic. I think I inherited that trait. He was also super meticulous with his work—and yep, same here. I guess the reason I’m sharing all this is because, despite everything, I’m still very much my father’s daughter.
I think being diagnosed with cancer—and all the other health issues that came with it—was especially tough for a proud man like him. It was hard on all of us, but in a way, we were also blessed that he was given a few more good years with us.
These past two months have been the hardest. From the 911 call, to the ICU visits, to finally moving him to hospice care. Life had to adjust. Resources were stretched. We had to make some really hard decisions. But somehow, it brought us closer as a family.
July is usually a happy month for me—it’s my birthday month. Normally, I’d celebrate it with a mini feast at work and at home. But this year, I spent it at my dad’s hospital room with my family and his PDNs. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to celebrate at all, but my sister encouraged me, and I’m glad she did. We ended up having a small dinner celebration, and I was touched by all the love. People still surprised me with gifts, flowers, and cakes—even though I wasn’t exactly in the mood. I gave some of the cakes to the nurse stations. My heart was heavy, though. My dad was there, but not really “there.”
I truly believe he waited. He waited for us to come to terms with the reality of his condition. He waited until his memorial and burial plans were all in place. He waited for the July birthday celebrants. Less than 24 hours after mine, his vitals started to drop. The doctor gently told us that it could be anytime now and encouraged us to say our goodbyes. I tried to be strong for the family, even though I was quietly crying the whole time.
In those last days, we told him it was okay to go. That we’d be okay—even if we were crying as we said it.
He passed on a peaceful Saturday morning.
Later that day, I went home with my husband to grab a few things before heading to the funeral chapel. I cried myself to sleep while he took care of everything at home. He made lunch, let me rest, and comforted me in his quiet, simple ways.
On the day of the interment, I cried on the way to the burial site. I cried after the mass. I cried watching old videos of him—so alive, so full of life back then. It was surreal. For someone who was strict and intimidating, he was deeply respected. A lot of his colleagues spoke about how much they learned from him. Some of them now hold high positions, and many credit him for mentoring them. He was known as a civil engineer who wasn’t corrupt, and people even compared him favorably to his successor. He was loyal, and clearly, he left an impact. I’m grateful for the love and respect people had for him.
I used to think I had accepted death, but when it actually happens, it hits differently. It’s surreal, it’s heavy, it’s heartbreaking. Seeing photos, watching old videos, or just walking past places where he used to be—it all stirs something deep.
Papa, rest well with the Lord now. May you enjoy all your favorite meals and run free and happy in heaven. We’ll see each other again someday.
Lately, the workplace is so stressful. Tension is brewing.
Although we (staff) are not the ones causing all of these nonsense but we’re unfortunately caught in the middle of the silent war between our bosses.
It’s frustrating when I am just doing my job like I always do and my work gets unusually questioned like WHAAAT? Mind you, I don’t usually react when my work gets questioned because I am usually the ah-OK-will-do-that kinda type but questioning due to a hidden personal grudge to a certain someone, that’s something else. Just because she thinks I am siding the boss she’s currently not on good terms with that she gets the right to “prosecute” me as an employee. Even when she saw us (the other boss) talking after working hours like normal stuff, she took it personally. Am I not even allowed to talk to a boss?? Duh.
I hate the fact that there’s a lot of spying and “observing” going on because of their fight. Like really, the reason is so..I don’t know..immature? Come on, even the staff just wants them to reconcile the soonest possible because the workplace is eerily toxic. Personally, it’s difficult to work in that kind of office mood.
If only people just think that it’s just work and not take everything on a personal level, I think the workplace would be just F-I-N-E.
Got engaged – Feb 2021Virtual pamalaye – July 2021
Low key posting these here instead on my social media accounts. My fiance and I did not want some attention and also to keep it hush-hush as much as possible because we won’t be inviting a lot of people due to this COVID19 pandemic. I can also relate to quarantine bride-to-bes having extra stressors with the wedding planning during these times. I even know someone whose wedding postponed THRICE already because of the ever-changing quarantine community status. Anyway, I hope ours get pushed through, whether an intimate one or if not intimate, with the allowed number/capacity in a wedding. I hope there is no change on the original wedding date.
I am feeling loads of crap lately because there’s one goal I cannot achieve due to my illness. You see, I was planning (for a long time) to apply as an uniformed personnel. Maybe because fate is playing on me since I just kept on setting this goal aside because I used to think that I was young, I needed more work experience and I was not yet ready yet physically and mentally BEFORE. Maybe because I was confident that most of my cards are within my reach. You bet I was wrong. It was last year I decided that I will apply in 2020’s quota. I even prepared some of the requirements in advance because there’s a lot. Lo and behold, January 2020 came. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. If 2020 isn’t the best year to most of you, it sure wasn’t for me either. No matter how much I prepared I was into this goal, there’s this fucking illness that will consider me disqualified if I pursue applying. I cannot stop thinking that my disease kept on slapping me just to engrave in my face that I won’t be able to apply on this occupation for this lifetime. I hate it when I put on a lot of effort on something that was put into a waste. I even considered burning my requirements which is stupid (I know) but my feelings about this is in highs and lows and burning the files seems like a good idea. People kept telling me maybe God has another plan for me but it is still difficult to move on this. Some people I shared with my feelings were not really understanding about it so I am giving them silent treatments as of the moment. This may be a small thing for them but they have no right to judge since this is something I worked on heartily. Hence, I consider this BIG. I should have applied before when I first invited to this. I regretted it a lot. Sigh. I may be calm when you see me personally but really, I am hurt on this. I wanna angry cry but my tears just won’t cooperate.
Just a random unrelated photo. Because of COVID19, some of us are assigned to committees under the Operations of Incident Command System. I was assigned under Food Donations Committee. Again, due to COVID19, we have to clean/disinfect everything (the room, surfaces etc.) before we time out and go home. So we had this running joke “kinsa ang Princess Sarah karun? (who’s gonna be Princess Sarah today)?” and the Princess Sarahs of the day sometimes impersonate her while cleaning (aping-api/bullied). Of course, the Ms. Minchin is the head of committee and she’s cool with it. Sabay ra.
So I am going to talk about things that I am scared of. One thing is that I am scared of snakes. This reptile is not my cup-of-tea at all. If other people are scared of geckos or spiders, mine are snakes. Although they are also real-life “snakes” (hahaha), the animal snakes are what I am afraid of.
I am also afraid that I would forget something that I am currently working on/doing that may cause harm to others. Of course, sometimes I can be an overthinker but I have a reason because of my disease. One of the symptoms of my disease is mind fogs/forgetting things and it really is a hassle sometimes. Sometimes I forget where I put my cellphone, what I am gonna do next, what to say next in a middle of a conversation etc. Even certain memories of my past or simple words (recently, the word Zonrox), I cannot remember unless I search for it. So I am afraid like certain thoughts of “what if I forget turning off the stove and may cause house fire? what if I forget taking care of my baby niece in the middle of a babysitting” I shared these thoughts to my boyfriend and he said that I should make a to-do-list so that I would be constantly reminded—in which I will be doing na but how I about words and memories that I have difficulty remembering? Things like that make me anxious and shake with fear.
Another thing that I am afraid of is when people that you are comfortable with especially when they know your imperfections all too well (not necessary my boyfriend but true friends and some family too) will (God forbid) suddenly leave you for good. I understand that some people leave in a certain period of their lives to experience more and I have no qualms on that. We all have people in our lives that we outgrow and that’s a fact. I respect the silent departures in my life (adulting, maybe?). BUT there are some specific people (the few chosen ones that have huge impacts on me) that are a NO-NO if they suddenly leave without saying a damn word. I can foresee the heartbreaks.
Blur photo a few years back (First time abroad + a cruise ship trip!)
In this time of a pandemic, I would love to go on vacation ANYWHERE outside our city. Just simply anywhere. But if there was no pandemic, normally I would love to visit Palawan or Siquijor (if within Philippines). I am not a good swimmer but as long as there’s a life vest and a beautiful nature-y view, why not? If abroad, I would love to visit and explore some more of Japan. As an otaku and Japan culture fan (SINCE BIRTH!), I would love to immerse again with their environment. (patriotic, polite and very punctual!!!) I got to visit one of its prefectures (Okinawa) because of a cruise ship trip. The place is actually considered a “province” but it is somehow different with our own country’s definition or perception of a “province”. Even our very short visit in the Okinawan islands made me thought (back then lang ha) I want to live peacefully there. Hahaha! Any introvert would love the place. I would love to return to Japan and explore other prefectures. Another place I am curious is Prague. Actually, it’s because I somehow dreamt of this place even though I didn’t know back then that this city actually exist. So yeah, I was curious of this place and it made me wanted to go there. 🙂
This video gives no justice. To actually visit is to believe! But anyway, enjoy!
a walking random 